the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
