Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
