if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
