So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
