the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
