Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
