bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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