dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
