I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
