my being single is dangerous.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Randomize
