No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
