living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
