i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
