Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
