I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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