my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
