It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
