I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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