last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
A bitchslap is in order.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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