I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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