I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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