Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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