I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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