so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
