Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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