She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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