I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I want a musical about memes.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
