You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
