I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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