In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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