look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
