I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize