She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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