its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
