Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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