Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Randomize
