i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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