I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
The power of my boobs compel you
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize