8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
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I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
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There's a naked man in my car right now.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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