You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
