I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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