My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
