I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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