Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Actions speak louder than pants.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
