wrigley field is MILF paradise
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
