I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
