so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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