$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Randomize
