I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I think my fart just growled at me.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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