Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
