I showed him my bush... on skype.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
