I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
