This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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