Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
