I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
