I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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