farters have to be the big spoon...
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
