watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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